


The Homeric Hymn to Hooksephone

by mathildia



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-12
Updated: 2016-02-12
Packaged: 2018-05-19 18:36:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5976993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mathildia/pseuds/mathildia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hook = Persephone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Homeric Hymn to Hooksephone

**Author's Note:**

> This is for Atomicheavybike. Who inspired this and deserves it.
> 
> My knowledge of the classics is almost entirely from picture books.

She charges down the last door with her shoulder. It’s a great gold door - but she shoots magic through herself at the precise point that her exhausted flesh makes impact, and it buckles. She’s throbbing with magic, anyway. Because he’s in here. The ring on the chain around her neck is glowing so bright. It pulses in time with her thudding heartbeat.

The room beyond the door is rich, like every room she’s been inside in Tartarus. Hades likes his dominion rich to reflect his own wealth and status. But here, in his own mansion, the opulence is dialled up to eleven. The walls are red, flocked. The carpet is deep, gold. In the centre of the room is a bombastically sized four poster bed. Dark wood, hung with gold and red and back and fur. And in the bed —

— “Swan!”

*

_Some time ago._

Sire, are you sure?  
I AM SURE  
But that one  
I AM SURE  
Do you want to think about it? You’ve been alone a long time. Maybe think about what you want in a bride. There are some nymphs you might want to consider—  
I AM SURE, HERMES. YOU WILL BRING HIM TO ME.

*

Emma Swan is frozen. She tries to work out what to focus on first. It doesn’t take a genius to realise the bed she stands before is Hades’ own bed. There’s a giant H embossed on the bedstead for a start, and she seriously doubts that H is for Hook. Her boyfriend is in the bed of Hades, Lord of the Underworld, King of the Dead. And he seems to have something sticky all around his mouth. He also appears to be, or at least that part of him that she can see, is naked. And he really, really doesn’t look enamoured of her dashing rescue.

“What are you…?” Hook’s voice is hoarse, rough like he’s been screaming all night, which Emma decides to stop thinking about straight away. “What are you doing here, Swan? This is the Underworld. I’m dead. Didn’t we talk about this?”

*

THIS IS GOOD. YOU WILL TAKE HIM TO MY BED CHAMBER. 

Hades sits on a throne. He’d be above Hook’s eyeline even if Hook was standing, which he isn’t. He’s looking up from he floor, on his knees and, well, _this is death, is it?_ He hadn’t expected it to be so much like being alive. “All I am saying is, a boy likes to be wooed.” He winks at Hades. _This is okay._

Hades’ expression doesn’t change.  
YOU WILL TAKE HIM TO MY BED CHAMBER AND GAG HIM

 _This is really okay_. “Fine,” says Hook as some great demon upon whose countenance he dare not look grabs his shoulder. “But wait, do you think I’m a virgin? I’m not a virgin.”

*

Hook’s out of the bed and he’s put on some kind of satin robe - chartreuse satin, which is very good with his skin tones - so he’s not naked anymore and Emma leans against the broken door frame and says, “I thought you’d be pleased.”

“Swan,” Hook says, “you have to stop doing this.”

*

Hook is certain, as a man who'd been sold into naval slavery as a child, whatever Hades requires of him won’t prove too arduous. But when the great bulk of the anthropomorphised body of the King of Death rolls him onto his belly and begins to caress him with a tongue like a serpent and fingers like more serpents and various other body parts that also warrant serpent comparisons, it's pleasure like he's never know. 

So there's that.

*

“You can leave,” says Emma. “You can leave so long as you haven’t eaten anything. Belle has a book.”

“There’s a book? About this situation?”

Emma shrugs.

“Do seeds count?”

“What?”

“I said, do seeds count?”

*

HONEY, I’M HOME! 

OH. RIGHT... 

I THOUGHT THIS WOULD HAPPEN. 

Hades returns from a long day constructing ironic punishments for the damned, to find Hook and Emma at an impasse. 

*

WE CAN SORT THIS OUT, I ASSURE YOU, MY LOVE. SO LONG AS WE KEEP IT BETWEEN OURSELVES. SO LONG AS NO ONE ASKS….

The door was broken. Not that doors keep Zeus out, anyway.

**OKAY EVERYONE ZEUS IS HERE. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?**

Hades rolls his eyes.  
HOOK, SWAN, JUST STAY BEHIND ME.  
Hades whispers this. Except he doesn’t, because ALL CAPS.

**SWAN? OKAY, REMINDS ME. FUNNY STORY.**

NO ONE LIKES YOUR FUNNY RAPE STORIES, BROTHER. QUICK SUMMARY. I TOOK A HUMAN FOR MY BRIDE. HERMES ENTICED HIM HERE. NOW HIS LOVE HAS FOUND HIM AND WISHES TO RETURN WITH HIM TO THE REALM OF THE LIVING. BUT TURNS OUT HE’S SWALLOWED QUITE A LOT OF SEED WHILE HE’S BEEN HERE. SO, I SAY, NO DEAL.

**POMEGRANATE SEED?**

MAYBE. IF HE CALLS MY DICK POMEGRANATE

Zeus ignores this, as everyone should  
**OH, SHARE HIM. CUT HIM IN HALF OR SOMETHING**

ZEUS, THEY DIE

**REALLY. THEY DON’T REGROW THE MISSING BITS?**

NO. HUMANS DIE IF YOU CUT THEM IN HALF. STOP DOING IT. SOMETIMES I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH DEMONS TO DO ALL THE INDUCTIONS

**SO DRAMATIC ARE THE HUMANS. ALL THAT DYING. SOMETIMES I AM SURPRISED WE’RE SO INTO THEM SEXUALLY**

YOU ARE. YOU ARE INTO THEM SEXUALLY. I AM MAINLY FINE. EXCEPT I WANT TO KEEP THIS ONE.

**AND WHAT DOES _HE_ WANT?**

Hades and Zeus laugh so much at the idea that Hook might have any kind of opinion on his own sexual destiny that day becomes night becomes day - insofar as it can in Tartarus. When they look around, Emma has dragged Hook back to the land of the living.

Because that always goes so well.


End file.
